CHAPTER FOUR: ALL THE PEOPLE SAY
"Yes, they were a high school band," explicates
Jetcho Featherparts, famed existentialist newscaster. "But the thing
is, they weren't like any high-school band I ever heard before, or since.
They didn't emulate popular music. They didn't emulate the music they listened
to. They didn't hang around trying to make people think they were cool because
they were in a band. They did music.
"And did they do love songs to girls they grooved? No, they sang love
songs to their butts. They wrote love songs to the butts of the girls they
liked. Or to other parts of their anatomy. Or they wrote songs like Kevin's
'Ode to Stacey', where he played the piano for 10 seconds and then began
screaming repeatedly. Or even 'Kelly, Kelly in a New York Deli', which was
about a cheerleader at their school. What does the New York Deli, like Grape
Jelly concept have to do with anything? Or what about 'Skylab'? What kind
of song is that?
"Most highschool bands, you hear a song and you say: that's a high-school
band song. They can be done to varying degrees of production quality, but
you still say: That's a high school band song. That's what kind of song
that is. With Al Phlipp, you didn't do that. In fact, most of the time,
all you could do is ask: What kind of song is that? Is that a song? What
is that? That's not normal, what's wrong with these people?
"And you know, when you think of it, that's kind of cool."
Arwen, considered weird and wonderful, was therefore the victim of numerous
composistions about her butt- which, all things considered from a more mature
perspective, was still a really, really great butt. Here, Arwen is shown
concealing vital cinammon roll recipes from Communist Spies. Wotta Babe!
As the popularity of Al Phlipp grew, the band members weren't
quite sure how to deal with it. Kevin, a uniquely gifted musician and creative
god was, at that time, still a social retard. Thus, as certain wonderful
people, such as Arwen, began to open up and speak with him, he would often
run shreiking from the room like a damaged mongoose.
Kevin now confesses that perhaps the best part of being in Al Phlipp &
the Woo Team was the people, the fans, and the early supporters that rallied
While his cohort, Jon, was wise enough to realize this early on, and thus
attain an enlightened state of Phlippness, it took Kevin until the band
had been mostly dismembered to realize the mistake he had made. He had,
he reufully admitted to himself one night in a drunken stupor, made the
music more important than the people. An error, he now says, that he plans
not to repeat. He swears he will never admit anything to himself in a drunken
Kevin now says that he believes Arwen was directed towards him by the benevolent
alien forces that guide all activities to some extent on our planet, and
that his social retardation prevented him from attaining an enlightened
state of Phlippness for many years. Much, he is afraid, to the benevolent
Although both Kevin and Jon do apologize now for writing songs about her
butt (to the degree that perhaps she found the numerous Al Phlipp songs
[more than 10] about her butt a little distressing), but still . . . she
had a really great butt. Which also has something to do with the benevolent
alien presence that sends down creative ideas to enlightened individuals
(with metal fillings in their teeth).
Because of his enlightenened state of Phlipness, Jon's head often appeared
mysteriously, causing awe and wonder throughought the halls of Overton High
Many people contributed to the band, to the experience that
was Al Phlipp. Those who didn't participate directly were often still a
tremendous inspiration to the band. And some, such as Elisse H., both participated
and inspired. Elisse, whose many hums, growls, breaths, screams, commentary,
and noises made it into and all around so much Al Phlipp stuff, also inspired
the band members with her support, appreciation, and general incomprehensible
Everyone in the band loved her, and even today band members will wax poetic
about Elisse's bizarre and sometimes frighteningly incoherent ramblings,
all captured on tape for posterity. One can only hope that one day, another
frightening incoherent rambling tape of weirdness, black comedy, noises,
and veiled sexual innuedo gets made again. "She was actually kind of
scary, she could be so weird," says Jon Taylor. "That's what made
her so perfect."
Elisse, mysterious, exotic and inexplicably sensuous, frequently taunted
the two hapless scum with fascinating and yet incomprehensible monologues
that both Jon and Kev knew just had to mean something.
Later, after she had returned from the Far East, she had progressed so far
into spiritual deepness that she was no longer namable. Thus, she became
known simply as the E woman.
Which was probably no more or less stupid a decision than the two extra-shmank
gobstoppers had made before.
End Chapter Four
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