CHAPTER SIX: THE GIRLS OF AL PHLIPP
"Not normal," says Ofcar Brain Jenquins,
psychoanalyst. "The obsession with women and music and the erotic yet
humorous overtones of their work--it's textbook, really. Clearly, they were
deeply disturbed. They didn't need to be making music or taking pictures
or anything else. They needed to be helped. Here at Charter-Willowbrook,
we can deal with these kinds of mental problems for just as long as the
medical insurance will pay for that. No, wait, that didn't come out right.
I'm sorry. Can we start this over? Where was I? That's right. Not Normal."
The E Woman
The E woman was the seminal Al Phlipp Woman: Strange, strange, and stanger.
This female archetype of Phlippness never failed to impress and befuddle
the bandmembers she converged with.
Of the women harassed by the two freaks, she was certainly the most casual
about it, taking their freakishly bizarre behavior and conversation in stride,
and responding with some of her own.
Her bizarre commentary and "out-of-the-box" thinking surprises
and frightens us even now, as we review it. We think it could get to you,
too. If you dare, listen to The Disertation.
This is only a small section, and not even the most horrific part. More
has been known to drive men mad.
She was so uniquely Phlipp (often exhibiting an enlightened state of Phlippness),
she has her own section in the gallery.
Also, she allowed images of her to be captured (voluntarily), as opposed
to be pursued with a Kodak Disc camera and photographed against her will,
like most of them, so that helped.
In those early days, instead of talking and getting to know girls they
found attractive, the demented pair would instead take dozens of pictures
of them and, in Kevin's case, attempt to use ancient Al Phlipp voodoo to
capture their life essence in a crystal sphere. Which, as it turns out,
didn't go over real well.
This picture of Stacey, the poor girl Kevin harrassed constantly with his
camera (to whom, if she ever reads this, he now apologizes egregiously)
was "borrowed" from the Overton yearbook by one the many Al Phlipp
Kevin had planted around the school.
Stacey was described by fellow students as "a loner who often wore
Stacey also had an incredibly great butt, but for some reason, no songs
were ever written about it. That might not be an appropriate thing for wiser,
older, more mature people to be saying, but damn it, damn it, it was true!
Gretchen, whose unique and statuesque beauty would merit her own section
in the Al Phlipp art gallery, never did agree to have her image captured
by the two weirdoes (whose own beauty was not normally described as "statuesque").
Thus don't blame us, although we know it would be appreciated, were there
such a section. But there isn't. Because there is not enough images captured.
Just live with it.
Who is Gretchen, and what is her relevance? Gretchen is the source of the
brief quote: "It's been real!" before the beginning of the Al
Phlipp anti-pro drug anthem, "Demand and Supply". With a voice
to equal her beauty, she would have been the source of even more quotes,
had she not been smart enough to avoid the retarded twosome most of the
Gretchen was also the inspiration behind the instrumental Al Phlipp, "Dark
Eyes". At the time the song was made, the bandmembers didn't realize
there had already been numerous songs since the turn of the century with
that name. And depending on the light, yes, she did have very dark eyes.
Arwen, whose magical butt meritted numerous musical compositions about
it in several different styles, including synth-pop, reggae, blues, 50s
rock, and rap, perhaps never quite understood the twosome, but was patient
and understanding with them and had several of their tapes. She even listened
to some of them, and some of the stuff on them was pretty awful.
In the late '80s, an independent Al Phlipp committee determined that the
poor woman had been harassed enough with songs about her butt, and, as she
had moved out of town and gotten married and all that, a moratorium was
declared on Al Phlipp Arwen's-butt songs. Since that day, the surving members
of the band have honored the moratorium, and have composed no more songs
about her butt. The band now officially apologizes for any embarassment
our bizarre butt-oriented music might have caused.
Still, really, she did have a great butt. And we mean that in a completely
Crystal J., whose glasses became an obsession of Jon's that finally culminated
in the writing of the touching love song "Crystal, I Love Your Glasses",
was strangely attracted to Jon's strangeness. Although she made several
passes at him, at that time, Jon was still a little too dense to get it,
and instead sang songs about her glasses.
Crystal's only appearance on any Al Phlipp album was a snippet of her saying
"No" that appeared in several early industrial mixes, which a
Federal court has ruled cannot be distributed. But that was about it.
Michele H., although never having appeared on any album in any form, was
the inspiration for the classic Al Phlipp Gooze Album hit, "Michele,
You Hurt Me".
Michele had heard several Al Phlipp songs at the time of the Great Creation,
but never commented on the quality, so we really don't know what she thought.
During the final year of High School, Michele, Angie W., a girl named Amy
(no picture available) and Kevin engaged in numerous philosophical debates,
some of which could become quiite animated. Michelle's fiestiness in making
her point, in fact, led to one particular incident better left unspecified
that led to the song, which led to the hit.
Also, she was the inspiration behind the historic Al Phlipp instrumental,
"Rhapsody for Michelle" (we bet that was hard to figure out).
And another song, too. But we aren't tell you what it was.
Arwen W., whose magical butt meritted numerous musical compositions about
it . . . oops! Sorry, we already said that, didn't we? Well, here's another
picture of Arwen. This one is an excellent shot up her nose, taken by Jon
Taylor under the influence of alien radio waves.
Angie W. (a giant fan of the Al Phlipp cover of "Dixie
Land") heard many Al Phlipp songs in their beginning stages and was
also part of the Yoo-Hoo Choclate flavored drink and cigarette creative
experimentation conducted by some of the bandmembers back in the mid-eighties,
although she now denies this.
Angie was the inspiration for only one song: The instrumental "Rhapsody
for Angie", of which there are three different versions. Angie never
appeared on any Al Phlipp album.
Mrs. Thornton, Kevin and Jon's (and Tommy Martin's) most-coolest high
school art teacher, would frequently sing the praises of the wacky fellows.
Here is a picture of her singing said praises to the degree that it began
to cause an unprecedented reality-distortion matrix. Fortunately, most of
the school survived unhurt.
Rose & Brandy
It sounds like they would make a good '80s musical duo, doesn't it? Well,
we don't think they were, though Rose did her hair like Teri Nunn of the
80s synth-pop group Berlin.
Brandy's one association with Al Phlipp is this picture, which was used
as part of an old, limited-release (free) boxed set with the caption "It's
Alive!" under it.
Rose was the inspiration for 2 Al Phlipp songs, "Rose (I shot her in
the rear)" and "Claire (She's nowhere)", neither of which
really have much to do with the woman herself, whom we are sure is very,
very nice. We just wrote some songs about how we thought she could potentially
be, as that was much safer than trying to strike up a conversation.
Leigh, who not only proved that young, attractive women had an allergic
reaction to Kevin, was also at times an unearthly angel with a golden halo
bathing her in an blazing, glorious light. Although this picture doesn't
really show that side of her. Um. Anyway, Leigh was also the inspiration
for the Al Phlipp uber-hit, "Leigh, I See".
Angie was often annoyed by the two interlopers, but, surprisingly,
never shot either of them.
Angie Wallace never actually did anything with the band, but she would actually
listen to the music, which, in those days, basically qualified you as a
member of the band.
Oh, wait, we already talked about her, didn't we? Sorry. Ignore this. Thank
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