CHAPTER THREE: THAT WAS THE CONTROVERSY
"Stinking Son's-of-Bitches," says Patrice Clondike,
reputable reseller of PC Completers. "Lousy sexist men, fat ugly bastard
son's of bastard men. That's all they are. Those songs? Like "Big Black
Breasts"? That's a song? That's a racist sexist horny bastard hormone
man evil construction. That's not a song. I hope they both have their genitalia
removed with a meat-grinder. That's what I hope. Never want to hear that
not-music-but-crap of theirs again. They make me sick!"
Being Adolescents, Jon and Kev often wrote songs about assorted portions
of the female anatomy. Big Black Breasts, made up right on the spot by the
goofy duo, was just such a song-and was inspired by this very photograph.
The Retardation can't be denied!
As time progressed, so did the concept behind Al Phlipp.
They made friends, fans, and as the quote above would suggest, a few detractors.
This was largely because Jon and Kevin began receiving messages from outer-space;
messages of musical genius broadcast directly into their brains (via the
metal fillings in their teeth) through the use of cleverly disguised Alien
Radio Wave Towers. Very soon, gooze were everywhere, Lime Death and Yoo-Hoo
Chocolate Flavored Drinks were the beverages of preference, Flying Turtles
filled the skies, and the Mop was a symbol of all power. In fact, it was
the purchase of the Mop, and the resulting awe inspired just weeks later
at the Rocky Horror Picture Show, that inspired much of the Woo Team's later
music. It was, in fact, at Rocky Horror that the mop revealed it's terrible
power (at a terrible movie) and struck down a goozie who foolishly tried
to wrest it from Kevin's hands. That event, as history well records, was
one day the inspiration for Al Phlipp's ground-breaking Power of the Mop
concept album. Later, Band manager Brian Craig borrowed the mop, and returned
to Rocky Horror with visions of riches and conquest. Alas, it was not to
be. Recognizing the Mop's incredible power, the security guard would not
let him take it in. The Mop is currently in cold storage, awaiting the opening
of the first Scum Museum near Orlando, Florida in 2024.
The Mop already has a special section reserved for it in the Al Phlipp Memorial
Leigh Wilson at the now-infamous Overton High Halloween Party. The red
mark across her chest is from where Kevin breifly touched her to move her
into position for the picture. When, weeks later, Kevin realized that the
red mark was actually his very own hand print, he felt it was depressingly
certain that what he had feared was true: women were allergic to him. Jon
helpfully pointed out that it was okay, as chipmunks and other small mammals
were also allergic to him. As were (he found out later) migrant workers
and a variety of farm animals.
Needless to say, this inspired both Kev and Jon to write many special songs.
End Chapter Three
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